I'm so excited for New Moon I've had two dreams about it. One about Edward and one about Taylor Lautner (and yes, the distinction between character and actor is intentional)

I'm so sad that I can't remember the Edward dream. It wasn't concentrated on him, he was just there so nothing sticks out enough to have made an impression.

But the other one... So I was walking to this TGI Friday's kind of joint (restaurant and bar, with outdoor tables) to give my mother something. I knew she was there. When I get to the outdoor patio and talk to her, I notice at the next table is Taylor Lautner. We smile at each other and I say I'd better get going back to the house. Well, being such a gentleman he doesn't want me to walk home alone at night, so we stroll back together. Upon reaching my porch, he tells me he really likes me and wants to see me some more. So I give him my phone to program his number into and he gives me his PDA (cause that's what busy celebrities carry, right?) for me to do the same. We depart all smiles. My dream self was squeeing as soon as the door shut that I would be dating a celebrity like that!

I woke up and was tempted to check my phone....

Just reread some of the awful things I've said about Jose in past journals and realized those things are incredibly hurtful. I should be happy that he makes Claire happy. No, I don't know all the dynamics of their relationship and it's unfair for me to assume that Claire doesn't get anything out of that relationship even if it seems one-sided to me. Jose's never been anything but nice to me and to Claire. I'm only sorry Claire had to see those entries and tell me off about them for me to see that.

Don't know what to do about Claire. I said I was jealous of her relationship with Jessica, but that friendship is full of sharing. Claire has made efforts this week, but I don't know how to change anything. I blog my problems, talk to my reflection, or go to my mother. I'm really uncomfortable sharing feelings with people my age. My friendships have never been like that.

My ideal friend is someone who shares my sense of humor and is someone who I have lots of fun with. Having fun together is more important than heavy discussions. If that can eventually flow, then maybe Claire and I can be as close as her and Jess. But I call friends, when I want to forget my responsibilities and doubts for a while and just have a good time. If I can lose the imaginary friends that I usually keep with me, I know that I'm happy to be where I am because I don't need them. If Claire ever needs to talk, I hope she knows I'll always be willing to listen and I know she'd return the sentiment. I'm just not willing to divulge something weighty yet... I hope she understands.

So Thursday my ankle popped out from under me on the stairs outside of David Kenley Hall. My hands were in my pockets so I couldn't even attempt to catch myself, but luckily I landed in some mulch under the nearby bushes. I've got a sprained ankle though and it's still swollen after the weekend. It doesn't hurt a lot but it is inconvenient.

Picked up Dracula at the library and want to get started on reading it, but I have that English essay to rewrite this week so I HAVE to make that a priority. And also many of my online stories got updated this week and I really want to read the new chapters.

To save myself the trouble of rifling through papers, I'm posting my dream reference chart here.

The 20 categories of dreams:

Flushing - the brain processing things; God uses to shower and cleanse us of things we come into contact with. Usually the dreams about random parts of your day.

Healing - bring forgiveness or love to someone we don't like; or physical healing

Calling - revealing vocation, calling, or ministry that God has for us

Warning - dreams that warn us not to do certain things

Body - results of chemical imbalances in the body (often in sickness)

Chemical - drug induced

False - dreams from Satan

Dark - reveal Satan's plans (will be in grayscale or muted colors)

Courage - gives you the courage to act on something

Correction - God gives you a different course to act on or a change in behavior is needed

Self-Condition - Tells where you stand with God

Direction - God gives a specific direction in life

Intersession - dreams that want us to pray for someone else

Revelation - prophetic dreams about things that will happen

Fear - dreams of the fears we have; tell of our inner weaknesses. (Fears and bitterness allow Satan to have legal ground to attack us)

Inventions - dreams that give us something new

Words of Knowledge - wisdom

Deliverance - removing demonization and attacks from our lives

Spiritual Warfare - attacks against us or others, often involving some life-threatening event

Soul - soul is the mind, will, and emotions. Spirit is wisdom, communion, and conscience. Body is flesh, blood, and bone. Soul dreams come from wanting something so badly we dream of it.

I was just imaginging my ideal "meet cute" and then the guy goes back to a group of mutual friends and asks them about me, but I realize I have no idea what anyone would say. I don't think any of my friends really know what I'm like. I'd probably lose this guy's interest for being inaccurately depicted.

I know this is an imaginary scenario and still my raincloud ruins it. Why do all my horrible things happen during my monthlies when I'm likely to be most upset and unable to handle them? My doubts swirl around and poke at me on these days the most. The littlest things ruin my mood. Like this evening, I was sending pics to Jess of Claire's initial gown shopping trip like she's been asking me to do all weekend. As soon as I start, she texts back and says "How many of these are coming? 'cause I'm trying to sleep!" At 10:45. So I'd said I'd send the rest tomorrow.

I hate my english professor. I worked so hard to get my late paper in by 5 o'clock a few weeks ago and he didn't even check his mailbox for 2 days and asked "Where's your essay?" Last Friday, he passes back the essays with TYPED comments for the rewrite opportunity. Late papers would be passed back on Monday - today. The point of turning my paper in late was to get some credit for it, however meager my score. Not only is it an F, it is a zero percent F. I might as well not have stressed so badly to get it to him in the first place if I received no credit. AND he doesn't bother with any comments for me to work with on a rewrite. He scrawls "This is unacceptable. I don't think you put any time into this." Nothing about what was there and if I was on the right track. How am I supposed to work off of that? He didn't even take the time to type his comments like he did with everyone else. I'm already disappointed with myself. He didn't have to be such a jerk.

The Devil's in my ear about friendship again too. About how my friends know I'm nice but don't do anything with me. I'm so bitter about Jessica's relationship with Claire right now. Why does she have a key to Claire's apartment when she doesn't even live in town this semester and always waits until Claire is home before coming over any way? Why does Claire invite her places and not me even when I'm standing right there when she does it? Why am I the last to hear about Claire's problems when her facebook says she had a horrible weekend or something and she only felt she could "bother" Jessica with it? Am I not as good a friend as she is? Do I still put out that "holier than thou" vibe that people labeled me with in school? I don't remember ever shoving my Christianity in someone's face and still people mind their language around me and say things like "I'm surprised you're still here when we're all drinking", "I'm surprised you liked my facebook status of that sex joke", or "I didn't think you listened to this kind of music." I shouldn't be made to feel like I have to apologize for loving the Lord most of my life. I love that people can see Him in me, but I hate that they shirk away when all I've ever done is love my friends.

On our trip to David's Bridal, Claire ran into Sarah Stumpf (always her maiden name in reference for me) in the parking lot while Jess and I were already in the car. They chatted and Sarah walked off; no waving to us or anything. I've known Sarah since elementary school and had small group with her every Wednesday for the three years of middle school. I've never even met her two children. I didn't even know she was pregnant her second time around until Claire texted about not being able to come with me somewhere because she was at the hospital with Sarah in labor. And as far as I know, Sarah is Christian and has appointed Claire as her children's godmother. Sirius Black totally corrupted the title of what a godparent is. It is a person responsible for the religious upbringing of a child if something happens to the parents. Claire doesn't have a religion, or if she does, it isn't Christianity. I'm most disappointed about not being invited to her wedding a few years ago. Our parents are even friends. I barely know most of the Hoerrs and yet I'm invited to every one of their and the Leman weddings.

I even had a dream this past weekend of being excluded from Claire's wedding. I was driving all over on last-minute errands and arrived at the church to help lace Claire, very meticulously, into her dress. It all took so long that I had no time to get myself ready and since I wasn't presentable on time, I couldn't be in the wedding. I'd done everything for them and they all could just march past me without a thought. Cinderella much? The bridesmaids wore purple, and I was even wearing this casual purple outfit that could have worked, but it was so casual that I wasn't even permitted to attend the ceremony.

If I'm such a good friend and everyone has a good time with me, why am I excluded and pushed away so often? I hate today, and I hate that my feelings are so easily hurt.

So I've been distracted in class and made a list of my favorite romantically relavant quotes from movies (books would make this list way longer).

-Ever After-

DaVinci: I know that a life without love is no life at all.
Prince Henry: And love without trust? What of that?
DaVinci: She's your match, Henry.

Prince Henry: Actually I came to beg your forgiveness. I offered you the world and at the first test of honor I betrayed your trust.

-Moulin Rouge!-

Christian: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Argentinian: Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends BAD!

Satine: I don't need you anymore! All my life you made me believe I was only worth what someone would pay for me! But Christian loves me. He loves me, Harold. He LOVES me, and that is worth everything.

-Shakespeare in Love-

Viola: This is not life - it is a stolen season.

Viola: Not the artful postures of love, but love that overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture! I will have love or I will end my days as a-
Nurse: As a nurse?

Viola (as Thomas): Tell me how you love her, Will.
Will: Like a sickness and its cure together.

-Thumbelina-

Thumbelina: And we'll live happily ever after.
Cornelius: Oh much longer.

-Memoirs of a Geisha-

Chiyo: Every step I have taken has been to bring myself closer to you.

-Hercules-

Megara: Sometimes it's better to be alone.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Megara: Nobody can hurt you.

Megara: People always do crazy things... when they're in love.

-The Notebook-

Allie: It's over. Okay, it's over! Go on get out of here. Leave! Go! ... Wait, we're not really breaking up are we? This is just a fight we're having and tomorrow it'll be like it never happened, right?

Allie: Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me! I waited for you for seven years. And now it's too late.
Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year.
Allie: You wrote me?
Noah: Yes! It wasn't over. It still isn't over!

Noah: So you make love to me and then go back to your husband?! Was that your plan?

-The Princess Bride-

Wesley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.

Prince Humperdink: Your Wesley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?

-The Last of the Mohicans-

Cora: The whole world's on fire.

Nathaniel: Just stay alive! I will find you.

-The Lion King-

Simba: Yuck! I can't marry her. She's my friend.

-The Joy Luck Club-

Ying Ying: Do you know what you want? I mean, from him.
Lena: Respect. Tenderness.
Ying Ying: Then tell him now. And leave this lop-sided house. Do not come back until he gives you these things, with both hands open. 

Lena: Why do you have to be so god-damn fair?!

An Mei: You think he sees this pie, now he's so sorry he takes you for granted? You think this, you the foolish one. Every time you give him gift, like begging! Take this. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'm not worth as much as you? So he only takes you more for granted.

Rose: It's not your fault, none of it. I was the one who told you that my love wasn't good enough; that your love was worth more than mine. I was so full of shit.

-Anastasia-

Dimitri: That- that dress is really beautiful.
Anya: Do you think so?
Dimitri: Yeah. I mean it was nice on the hanger, but it looks even better on you. Y-you should wear it.
Anya: I am wearing it.
Dimitri: Oh, right! I'm just- I was just trying to give you a...
Anya: Compliment?

-Corpse Bride-

Emily: Wait. I was a bride. My dreams were taken from me. Now- now I've stolen them from someone else. I love you, Victor, but you are not mine.

-Pocahontas-

John: I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you.

-The Royal Tenenbaums-

Margot: I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other.

-Titanic-

Rose: When this ship docks, I'm getting off with you.
Jack: This is crazy!
Rose: I know! It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it.

Cal: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat!
Rose: I'd rather be his whore than your wife.

-Shining Through-

Linda: You did love me, didn't you? I couldn't have been wrong.
Edward: You weren't.

-Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-

Li Mu Bai: I would rather be a ghost drifting by your side as a condemned soul than enter heaven without you. Because of your love, I will never be a lonely spirit.

Jen: Do you remember the story of the little boy?
Lo: A faithful heart makes wishes come true.
Jen: Make a wish, Lo.

-V For Vendetta-

V: Did you like it?
Evey: Yeah. But it made me feel sorry for Mercedes.
V: Why?
Evey: Because he cared more about revenge than he did about her.

Evey: I don't want you to die.
V: That's the most beautiful thing you could have given me.

-Sense and Sensibility-

Marianne: Can he love her? Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affection? To love is to burn, to be on fire. Like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise.
Mrs. Dashwood: All of them had rather pathetic ends, my dear.
Marianne: Pathetic! To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious?

Elinor: You must change or you will catch a cold.
Marianne: What care I for colds when there is such a man?
Elinor: You will care very much when your nose swells up.
Marianne: You are right. Help me, Elinor.

Marianne: Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends wih the remover to remove. Oh, no. It is an ever fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Willoughby... Willoughby... Willoughby.

-Tristan and Isolde-

Isolde: How many did you love before me?
Tristan: None.
Isolde: And after me?
Tristan: None.

-The Mask of Zorro-

Alejandro (as Zorro): Do you surrender?
Elena: Never. But I may scream.
Alejandro: I understand. Sometimes I have that effect...

Elena: When I sleep, I will dream of this dashing rogue Zorro. But what face shall I give him?
Alejandro: He has been many different men, but he has loved you as all of them.

-The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring-

Arwen: Do you remember when we first met?
Aragorn: I thought I had strayed into a dream.
Arwen: Long years have passed. You did not have the cares you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?
Aragorn: You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.
Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. [places her necklace in his hand] I choose a mortal life.
Aragorn: You cannot give me this.
Arwen: It is mine to give to whom I will - like my heart.

-The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers-

Arwen: Go to sleep.
Aragorn: I am asleep. This is a dream.
Arwen: Then it is a good dream.

Arwen: If you trust nothing else, trust this. Trust us.

Aragorn: You have a chance for another life... away from war... grief... despair.
Arwen: Why are you saying this?
Aragorn: I am mortal, you are elf kind. It was a dream, Arwen. Nothing more.
Arwen: I don't believe you.
Aragorn: [holds out her necklace] This belongs to you.
Arwen: It was a gift. [curls his hand around it] Keep it.

Elrond: He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope?
Arwen: There is still hope.
Elrond: If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die. And there will be no comfort for you; no comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death, an image of the splendor of kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent.

-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King-

Arwen: Tell me what you have seen! You have the gift of foresight. What did you see?
Elrond: I looked into your future and I saw death.
Arwen: But there is also life. You saw there was a child! You saw my son.
Elrond: That future is almost gone.
Arwen: But it is not lost.
Elrond: Nothing is certain.
Arwen: Some things are certain. If I leave him now, I will regret it forever.

Eowyn: The city has fallen silent. There is no warmth left in the sun.
Faramir: No. It is only the damp of the first spring rain. I do not believe this darkness will endure.

-Beauty and the Beast-

Belle: Oh, this is all my fault! If only I'd gotten here sooner.
Beast: Maybe... maybe it's better this way.
Belle: Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now, everything's going to be fine.
Beast: At least I got to see you... one last time.
Belle: No. Please, please don't leave me. I love you.

Beast: That HURTS!
Belle: If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much!
Beast: If you hadn't run away, this wouldn't have happened.
Belle: If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away!
Beast: mmm... Well YOU shouldn't have been in the West Wing!
Belle: Well you should learn to control your temper. Now hold still, this might sting a little.
Beast: (hisses)
Belle: By the way, thank you... for saving my life.
Beast: You're welcome.

-Nicholas Nickelby-

Madeline: Nicholas, I feel you know what it is to be without happiness, but do you know what it's like to be afraid of it? To see the world as so conniving you cannot take pleasure in the appearance of something good... because you suspect it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie. That has been my life. Every good thing has been a trick. Until you.

-Pride & Prejudice-

Mr. Darcy: If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever... If, however, your feelings have changed, I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

 

What are some of your favorites?

So worried about this "mini-exam" for American Lit survey on Monday. The word "mini" is a misnomer; there is TONS to do on this exam.

My throat hurts this week. Tonight it's at that stage where breathing dries it out no matter how you coat it (with honey, peanut butter, cough drops, or gum). It doesn't really bother me until I need to swallow. I can't have a repeat of that sore throat when I was 15! I just can't go through that again. I drank SO much water to no avail even though it was torture.

Learning lots in French. I tried to watch a well-known movie in French just to see how much I could catch. Oh my gosh, it's too fast to distinguish word breaks until you hear something familiar. The song "Under the Sea" had to be changed to "Under the Water" because I kept waiting to hear "mer" for "sea" but instead Sebastian kept singing "sous l'eau"... The French Ariel could sing pretty well though!

Got to get to making that t-shirt. Going to get Kinko's to doctor a regular shirt instead of getting some paper-thin tank with an altered pic for copyright purposes from a site like Zazzle or CafePress.... 

Dancing with the Stars starts Monday. The new season of the Office has started and Project Runway is well underway. TV's going good for fall.

Rocked at Rock's last night. Saw Danielle for the first time in ages for karaoke. We sang "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood together. Definitely have to call her next week and watch anime with her. Got home about 1-ish and was so tired for Experience Illinois this morning. The ARC building is amazing though! Found out where my new bud, Emily, lives on campus and it's not too far so I could see her easily enough.

I've caught a sniffle from somewhere. I've been so many different places and interacted with so many people this week, it's impossible to determine from where or whom I was infected.

Found Evan Johnson on Facebook just in time for his b-day on Aug 23rd. I'll give him a call and see what he's up to. I've always thought he was handsome, but he's not very loquacious and we don't have much in common.

Trying to find something tasteful, cute, and not to fan-obsessed to wear to the New Moon premiere in November. I think I'm just gonna design something on CafePress...

Still need to get over to Claire's to return her music and check out her new place. I also want to attend my cousin's wedding reception tomorrow, but it's at the same time as a movie and swimming on campus. I haven't been able to swim at all this summer and really want to take advantage of it, but dancing is cool too. What to do? Where has all my free time gone?

So I'm majorly disappointed in myself this summer. I really wanted to finish up The Cell; it's past a year for an update. I started a Twilight PWP on impulse and I didn't finish that either.

I have been reading, just not books. Tons upon tons of fan fiction. And while I'm not sorry about all the awesome things I've come across, there's something magic about curling up with pages between your fingers.

Also, not that I object or anything, but what is with all the smut in the Twilight genre? FFnet is hosting zesty lemons under that fandom. When people in the Avatar: tLA tried to do stuff like that, it was reported and the story was removed. I specifically edited my story content for that site and posted in full on sites like Adult FFnet. Yeah the sex is hot and it's a natural part of life, but I really believe FFnet should be without that stuff. If I want to read about thrusting, licking, etc. I'll visit other sites. If the stories weren't so awesome with tons of reviews that would be lost, I'd be of a mind to report them...

Newly loved discoveries from all my reading:

"chlorinated coitus" - Son of a Preacher Man, chapter 12

"I held tight to the skin that stretched over iron" - Tropic of Virgo, chapter 4 (most prosaic sounding erection ever)

I was hit with an impromptu haiku after reading chapter 8 of Tropic of Virgo:

His voice and the notes
Reverberate down my spine
I belong to him

"I had just received the immortal equivalent to a tracking chip" - Ithaca is Gorges, chapter 14 (referring to Edward meeting Demetri)

"As he spoke, there was a soft smashing in the distance... of a skull shattering on the rocks, and of a lifeless body being pulled out to sea." - Elegiac, chapter 4 (creepy, haunting, eloquent, horrible, beautiful ending to an amazing story.)

And "The List" Oh God, THE List! The most fantastic fantasies of Edward Cullen you can conjure.

I guess the first important detail is watching Edison middle school students have a big party around the new library. The song "Cobrastyle" was playing.

Translation: Something ungodly that is causing problems now entered my life back in middle school.

After playing Mario Kart Wii in the library with some friends (Claire, Jose, and Ben) I need to go home. The library parking lot has two ways to get to my car. One is a concrete staircase, the other is a muddy slope resembling a staircase. Haley Jones (someone who has strayed far from God) is already trying to navigate the muddy slope. I choose the muddy slope as well. As soon as I descend two steps, the stairs sink lower from the level surface of the parking lot. The stairs back to the top are slick mud and I'm too far down to pull myself up.

A girl named Ivy is still on the level and she reaches out for Haley's hand. Haley grabs onto my hand and our chain is long and strong enough to get back up to level ground. I know now, the only way to get to my car is the concrete staircase.

Translation: What I'm trying isn't working. I've strayed and it's sinking me. I need God (the Rock) to get where I need to go.

After descending the safe, solid staircase, Ben Boltinghouse is waiting by my car. He declares (in a very Mr. Darcy kind of way) that he has always loved me, and the way he chooses to act around me is just because he had trouble making me see just how much he loves me. I fall into his embrace and tell him that I desire him as well, but I can't say I love him just yet. He offers to drive me home; I take him up on it.

Translation: I associate Ben with Christianity. Yes, I like Ben the man, but Ben represents Jesus in this dream. Jesus loves me and sometimes I can't see that. If I can't say I love him, it's because my relationship with the Lord needs desperate work. Cars are vocations or ministries in dreams. I can't minister to myself; I need to take the journey with Jesus.


I've always been a dreamer. I'm just happy I'm not so blind that I can't recognize them as the way God speaks to me. He's got my undivided attention in unconsciousness.

Things like this just don't happen to me. I'm walking around the block enjoying this fine weather with my iPod and this guy running his dog asks for directions, introduces himself, inquires my stats, and asks me out. Instead of giving him my number, I asked for his and have no intentions of following through. I'm not putting myself through a date when I won't want to take it anywhere else. He wasn't bad looking or scary or anything, but I have my reasons. I know this sounds really, really terrible, but my father would shoot me if I dated someone of color, and secondly, he's a dog person. Charlie is actually the only guy I've ever had an official date with and I had time in class to get comfortable enough with him in that sense. I won't date a stranger; it's just too intimidating.

Two weeks left of school. It's crunch time. I've been awake since ten last night. I am going to crash so hard soon and none of my homework will be done for tomorrow.

Also read this most awesome of awesome AUs of Twilight. A Little Mermaid twist (with a hint of Labyrinth)! Elegiac: www.fanfiction.net/s/4483930/1/
I can't stop thinking about it. It's like RedNovember's stories in that it was really enthralling and beautiful, but the ending messes you up. You get this sick, queasy feeling because the less-than-happy conclusion was worded so eloquently and the concept is kind of horrific. Yeah, it's good, but it's creepy as hell!

Why hasn't my British Lit teacher ever heard of The Secret Garden? He's never even seen the movie.

We were discussing Robert Browning's "My Last Duchess" and I thought the concept was similar to Colin's mom's portrait in Secret Garden; "she smiles too much". He said, "What is The Secret Garden" like he didn't even know it was a story! How do you get away with that? As a teacher? Does he live under a rock?

A random thought tangent brought me around to the past and I suddenly started crying about how much I miss my friendship with Jessica LaDew.

I just wrote this letter in Word, venting my feelings of hurt and rejection and how I still love her even though we haven't had a friendly exchange for nine years. Do I post it as a private note on facebook and send it to her? I kinda want her to see it. We aren't in high school for me to suffer some public retribution for letting her know how I feel. And based on how she's treated me for years, I'm sure she can't think any less of me for being honest with her.

She was my first real best friend. For two years, there wasn't a week that went by without a sleepover. I remember everything about how her house looked and all that we did together. You just don't forget someone who was that important to you. She's definitely not the same person, but I still hate it that we just don't talk. I see her all the time at Parkland. I say "hi" every time and nothing happens. This letter might get her attention, but at the same time I don't want to freak her out. It's kind of like those letters of devotion in romance novels. "I love you, I want you back, we were wonderful together, I was happy with you, etc"

I'm hardly making myself vulnerable by doing this through the internet, but I doubt she'd stop and listen to me tell her in person. What's the worst that could happen if I send this note to her? Is it even right to force that knowledge on her now? What difference would it make?

Why am I so despondant? It can't just be the awful movie in LAS. At least sometimes I agonize over the minutes in British Lit but I don't really care where I am today. I'm not even too tired to noticed. I'll stay later than usual at school because I have to talk to Jeff about my awful test score. I wonder if I seem unfriendly or gloomy to others. Maybe they think I'm hung over from the weekend. How would they know what I'm like? I don't talk in class. Usually I can't shut up in a lit class, but I haven't said one unprompted word yet. I wonder if my lack of participation is affecting my already poor grade. I hope this changes as we move away from poetry and into the novel. Maybe I'd understand and have more to say if I took notes. I hate taking notes from discussion. I like organized outlines or powerpoints. Main ideas highlighted and all that; not nebulous, neither correct nor incorrect points when you read too into a poem.

My nail polish is chipping. I don't feel so pink this week. Maybe I'll repaint in blue. Black? Not purple. I need a good shade of green. Maybe I should clean the house today. It needs sweeping, mopping, scrubbing. I wonder if I have the energy. I was so full of ideas and bursting with creativity at 4 in the morning. It all disappears in the daylight. I wonder why.

It's already half past the hour. What will we do in psych today? So many papers are building, but none have a due date near enough for me to start caring. I'm thinking less about the tricky LAS midterm and more about how to write an inquiry method of Fight Club. I might skip class with Jessica on Wednesday. I don't need popcorn for breakfast as Brian is promising.

Coming to the bottom of the page. Is it weird to write down your thoughts as you think them, in all their random drifting? How I would've loved to write an inquiry method about Pan's Labyrinth. Horrors of a battlezone, innocence, escapism. So much to work with. I wonder if it's worth pleading to do it instead of Fincher's disgusting film. I'm putting this notebook away now. Should I type this up on livejournal? No one reads it but for me anyway. Who cares?

I need to laugh. And soon.

Fan projects I want to do:
-Ingo fan art!
-Ingo fan fiction
-Ravenhearst fan art
-update The Cell
-develop the secret, sexy writing project
-finish the Poison Apple gift art

Could possibly work on several of these while suffering through Fight Club for Liberal Arts class this week. Screw the midterm. I wanna shoot the guy in class who nominated that film for our next paper. I would've taken anything else and there were some really good ones nominated (Remember the Titans, The Insider, Good Will Hunting, A Beautiful Mind, Pan's Labyrinth, Goodnight and Good Luck, East Is East). When the titles had been narrowed down to three, the vote of the class was 6 to 6 to 7 and one guy refused to vote. If he had, it would've tied the vote for a revote with just two titles and swung the 6 remaining votes against Fight Club. My schedule rocks this semester, but I'm starting to really hate all my classes except for Psych.

I get to see two friends on the same day! Claire had some availble time to come and visit for an hour and a half or so. I lent her Breaking Dawn on the way out. Jessica made it over before Claire left, and they took a crack at my shuffle game on facebook and guessed so many! Then Jess and I ordered pizza, which came with no pepperoni and an extra breadstick, and watched MirrorMask. I love how it's nearly macabre and Jessica really liked the movie. She had to depart to do psych homework and I have some reading to do as well. But it was nice to chill with friends this afternoon. I might actually sleep tonight, considering I made myself rise at 9:30 to enjoy the day. Oh and to remind myself where it is, I lent Jessica my copy of Eclipse. My friends are just turning into Twilight curiosities and it's great to discuss the drama and the sappy of this new sensation of a fandom with them!

My tummy hurts from too much pizza...

Mom proposed a rather interesting prospect a few weeks ago and I really like the idea. I'm sure as I approach the end of getting my degree I might get ambitions to use it, but as of now my goal is just to get a degree, forget the teaching certification, and move down to Maui. I'd get a job and pay rent to stay at Nancy and Ted's if they'd have me. I know I struggled through the visit that summer when I was 17 but in hindsight I see I should've trusted Nancy more. The things we ended up doing together and the places she took me were really awesome and I was too timid and homesick to want to enjoy them at the time. Tropical weather would be wonderful. It's such an appealing idea. All Mom wants is for me to get my Bachelor's. I can do that for her; it won't be so hard. Choosing a career seems more daunting, but working at a surf shop in paradise is a scenario that takes the pressure off somehow.

Classes are going well. Liberal Arts is cool enough; the teacher is friendly. Psych is psych. I love psychology and I get that this course is Human Growth and Development, but I get tired of studying pregnancy and birth. How many classes take us through conception and prenatal development? High school Bio and Anatomy, Child Development, College Bio, and now Psychology. It's easy, just monotonous right now.

British Literature II is a different story. The teacher is so soft spoken. He's got a lovely voice for reading the poems we're studying, it's just hard to pay attention to in the lecture. The subject isn't one I'm so enthusiastic about either. I've had Drama and Intro to Fiction for other Lit courses and those were exciting, and the teachers were loud and funny. The time just passes so slowly in Brit Lit though... I hope it gets better when we start Dickens' novel. 

Dinner was bad tonight. The supermarket chicken wasn't meaty enough and the other parts of it felt slimey to me. String cheese tasted off. And of course storebought brownies are never good, but these tasted like baked cardboard. I munched on some M&M's before Mom brought me some runny instant Mac and Cheese. Why does this happen to me so often? When a good meal is prepared, I feel full in just a few bites, so of course I'm hungry again in no time and then nothing sounds good. I mean we have a fully stocked kitchen and I want to run to Steak n' Shake at 1 in the morning.

To begin with, elevators freak me out. Whenever I step into one, I always think the worst will happen. I hate elevators that go fast; if I can feel that lurching in my stomach and the dip as the elevator stops at a floor, it's too fast. I hated Sears Tower. I abhorr glass elevators. Knowing how high I am makes me hyperventilate. I'm embarrassed as I wimper in front of others and go rigid if there's nothing to hold on to. I prepare survival plans for if the elevator were to malfunction. Climb on top of someone if it starts to fall; the impact's shock would otherwise kill you if someone else didn't absorb it. You get the idea.

So imagine how freaked out I was with my dream last night. I get into an elevator and only want to go to the thirtieth floor or something. The other passengers have already pressed their floors and as soon as the doors close, I'm on the ground from the g-force of ascending rapidly to the two hundredth story. The party was great once we got up there and I forgot all about the thirtieth story. Other stuff happened that I can't remember, but the elevator stuck with me. Terrifying.

Perhaps because I watched Wall-E thrown back from the force in that escape pod had something to do with it...

Appropriately wore my L shirt to go decorate Christmas cookies at the Wises' tonight. They liked what I did last year so much, they've commissioned me again. Got tired from standing so long, but by the end of the night cookies have never looked so festively delicious. They took pictures if that tells you anything. Betty always offers me a couple and I take the ones that didn't turn out so great but they still taste good. Also exchanged gifts there since their family will keep them busy until the end of year starting tomorrow. Got a DVD and Mom got a Macy's gift certificate.